I Hope That Im Not Gone Be Too Long Baby

Beloved songs are where we go our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Nothing skilful can come of this. Photo past Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout human being history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all because of a few uncomplicated chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled information technology on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other hand, that fourth dimension you lot told that girl yous merely started seeing that yous would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that because of a love song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she of a sudden decided to "lose your number" and motility back to Milwaukee to "effigy some stuff out."

"It's just, my mom. You know? And L.A. is so hot in the summer. And yep, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time yous held that boom box over your head outside your ex's house? You did that because of a love song. And 50 hours of community service later, you're still non back together.

Love songs are neat. They brand our hearts trounce faster. They inspire us to accept risks and put our feelings on the line. And they requite us terrible, terrible ideas nearly how bodily, existent-life human relationships should work.

They're amazing. And so astonishing. And too terrible.

Here are six love songs that sound romantic but aren't, and one song that doesn't sound romantic simply totally is:

1. "God Just Knows," by The Beach Boys

Yous can keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Become Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When information technology comes to The Embankment Boys, "God Merely Knows" is where information technology's at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A necktie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the dorsum of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo past Hulton Annal/Getty Images.

Hither's why it sounds romantic:

I may not always honey yous

Just long as at that place are stars higher up you

Y'all never need to doubt it

I'll brand yous so sure nearly it

God just knows what I'd be without you

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and start over.

If y'all're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball net and "God Just Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, y'all demand to rethink the choices that got you to this point.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you lot are doing information technology wrong.

Hippies, probable on their way to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It's a song that just feels like honey. Pure love. Young love. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Here'southward why it'southward actually really, really unromantic:

At that place's nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair every bit they fall asleep while yous whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his business firm, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But there is such a thing every bit loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should always leave me

Though life would however proceed believe me

The globe could show nada to me

And then what good would living practise me?

Look, I get information technology. Breakups suck. At that place's no getting around that. But good God.

There's a huge difference between saying: "Hey babe, you are my kickoff and foremost everything and I'll exist bummed if y'all become." And proverb: "Welp, you accustomed that task in Seattle, and then I'm just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and phone call it a life."

Simply that'southward pretty much the gist hither. Which makes this line...

God only knows what I'd be without you

...horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, apparently, is: "I'd exist a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a practiced run. Photo via iStock.

That'southward non dear. That'due south codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It'due south a form of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any human relationship — 1 that, by definition, might one twenty-four hours end — is putting a lot of eggs in ane handbasket. Certain, God may merely know what you'd exist without her, only God probably also hopes you accept, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga form. Google some woodworking videos. Endeavour kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell yes! What was her name again?" Photograph by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Assistants.

1 person cannot be anyone's be-all and cease-all. It'due south too stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a affair that's gotta be done earlier you can do anything else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Certain, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song you lot've always heard. But, nosotros don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you could exercise a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Await at that confront. That face! Photo past Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here's why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what yous are

Honey, you're my gilt star

Y'all know yous tin make my wish come up true

If y'all let me treasure you

If you lot let me treasure you

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-grade make-out party and yous'll likely get an instant price laissez passer on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls y'all over for running a terminate sign, and they will retrieve you're weird — simply probably still make out with you lot.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime laissez passer to make out with America because of this song.

This is what happens when yous write "Treasure" and y'all're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo past Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'm OK with that.

But, here's why "Treasure" isn't every bit romantic as it seems:

Everything nigh "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

"Children, accept I ever told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the outset time we met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things start to go south right from the very beginning:

Give me your, give me your, give me your attention, infant

I gotta tell you a lilliputian something virtually yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams "respect" quite similar a man lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could it be? Could information technology be that her jokes are funny? Could information technology exist that she's got something in her teeth? Could information technology be that her nonfiction book about early on modernistic German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thanks for teaching me all nigh Martin Luther's bible!" Photo past Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: It's none of those.

You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, yous're a sexy lady

Simply you walk effectually here like you wanna be someone else

Oh. It's that she'south sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Give-and-take of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, information technology actually doesn't affect her solar day-to-day so much that y'all, a consummate stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

Then what if she does desire to be someone else? I'd love to be someone else! I remember being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good way to spend a three-day weekend.

Sure, there'd be an aligning period... Photo by Eamonn Grand. McCormack/Getty Images.

And then later, of grade, the narrator tin can't help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty daughter, you should be grinning

A girl like you should never look so blue.

He respects her then much, he's actually straight-up telling her to grinning! Much like Mars' grapheme "Uptown Funk," who appears to become off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, y'all know, I guess everybody'south got a thing.

Aye, in the world of "Treasure," a good for you human relationship is an unending stream of a human being complimenting a strange woman and said woman existence and then totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the earth's creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you lot are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, yous are

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yep, yous, yous, you, you are

By this betoken, in his mind, she's a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose it could be worse, though. At to the lowest degree she'south not just whatsoever thing.

GIF from "The Two Towers."

That's ... something, right?

iii. "Don't Think Twice, It'due south All Right," by Bob Dylan

For as long as humans accept been dating each other, humans accept been breaking upwardly with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going downward in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photo by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no use to sit down and wonder why, babe

Fifty-fifty you don't know by at present

And information technology ain't no use to sit down and wonder why, babe

It'll never practise somehow

When your rooster crows at the intermission of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll exist gone

You're the reason I'm a-traveling on

Just don't think twice, it'southward all right.

Nail. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits state of affairs like whoa.

"Don't Think Twice" is a raw vocal. An honest song. A powerful song. It'due south the song your older sister played on continuous loop for 6 months after her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her depository financial institution-teller chore, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open up a wind chime shop in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school ring over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are yous looking for?" Photograph by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Certain, it's about the end of a human relationship, simply it sounds romantic. And at the stop of the twenty-four hour period, shouldn't that be enough?

Hither's why information technology'south really sooooo messed upwardly:

Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no correct way to call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties tin certainly benefit from a difficult, honest discussion about what went wrong.

It's not me, Joan. It'southward you. 100% you lot. Photograph past Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that word basically boils down to: "It's your mistake."

Let'due south review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my middle, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? Y'all're all like, "Babe, I just accept then much unspecified love to give," and she'southward like, "Accept out the trash!" And you're similar, "Merely baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my centre be plenty?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the canis familiaris, did the dishes, and fabricated both of our lunches for the week. All I demand you to do is take out the trash." And you're like, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna become play guitar." And and so she gets all mad! What did y'all do? Why is she trying to modify y'all? UGH!

You could take washed amend, but I don't mind

Yep. Yous do mind! You mind! You lot wrote a vocal virtually it, you passive-ambitious prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your fourth dimension is so precious! Think about all the hours you lot wasted plumbing the sea-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could have been futzing around with that dwelling-brew kit.

Aye, this was worth information technology. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The minute you start breaking it downwardly, the message of "Don't Call back Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister's ex-fellow, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt's current of air chime store, which would take closed forever agone had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend'south absurd dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child support.

"You kids want a beer? No one's nether 13, right?" Photograph via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the vocal'southward narrator as well point-blank refers woman he's leaving as:

A child, I'k told

That'south right. In addition to beingness a run-of-the-factory passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he's also possibly a pedophile.

Even if nosotros are to have that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which in that location's no indication it is, simply OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson hither would willingly cull an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking upwardly with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

iv. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song nigh hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hr?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Eatables.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely vocal. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were however kind of new at the fourth dimension information technology was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet aeroplane

To a modernistic ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting abroad on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that's somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Not piece of cake to do!

Oh babe, I detest to get

Yous see — he hates to get! He just hates it! Nosotros know this, because he tells us he hates it. And why would he hate to become if he didn't beloved his partner merely that much?

Encounter ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Hither's why it'south actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world tin can only distract so much from the fact that the song's principal grapheme is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem like he hates being away all that much:

There's so many times I've let you downwards

So many times I've played around

I tell you at present, they don't mean a matter

"Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while y'all were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to practice! Actually fun. Similar, I had a fantastic time. But rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty as this bed I just finished having sexual practice with someone else in." Photograph via iStock.

Yes, when you lot break it down, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to dear overcoming altitude and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he'southward "practiced" despite all evidence to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken upwards about having to part from his 1 and simply, the dude seems pretty excited about the flying. Oh, you're leaving on a jet aeroplane, are you? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter almost the "terrible" Cibo limited salad you were forced to choke down as you sabbatum waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life and so difficult @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I get, I'll retrieve of yous

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you

Ah cool. He'll retrieve almost her while strumming and making "my love is frail as the morn dew" eyes at a waif-y grad educatee in the front row. That pretty much makes up for it all.

Then he demands:

So buss me and smile for me

Tell me that you lot'll expect for me

Later all the expose and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a course-A sleaze who can't exist trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To expect for him?

And here'southward the kicker:

When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ceremony ring

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on information technology. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, tuckered the family unit bank account, and just been a general screwup and disappointment.

Only yeah. This time he says he'll bring back a nuptials ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. "When a Homo Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you wait upwards "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you the very first line.

Hither's why information technology sound very romantic:

When a homo loves a woman

Sure, you tin write the lyrics downwards, but it doesn't even come shut to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The succulent, delicious hurting-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... simply still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It's an elemental lyric.

It'due south a heart-shattering lyric.

It'due south a lyric that demands yous put your back into it.

It'south perfection.

Every bit long equally you don't keep listening.

Hither's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Homo Loves a Adult female," we know that, at least on occasion, a homo loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd give up all his comforts

And sleep out in the pelting

If she said that's the style

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Support. A human, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no thing how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A human being can't put upwardly with that kind of isolating beliefs. A human needs friends! Once a man's whole back up arrangement erodes out from under him, a man volition be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a homo'southward mental wellness will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to concord on to your heartless love

Baby, please don't treat me bad.

This is non what happens "when a man loves a adult female." It's what happens when a man loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An calumniating adult female. A adult female who, in truth, merely loves a woman. Herself.

"Information technology'southward Chris or me." Photo past geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for y'all.

(Side note: Lest it go unsaid, at that place is way more than ane way for a man to love a woman. Possibly they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the olfactory organ. Maybe they sleep in split up bedrooms. Perhaps they apparel up in large, costly cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a human being loves a homo, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a adult female. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living state of affairs, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, at that place's no ane-size-fits-all honey solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. At that place's more than ane style to skin a cat. A spoonful of carbohydrate helps the medicine go down.

Information technology doesn't thing if it'due south the right metaphor, as long equally information technology'south a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And delight, seek help! You tin can practice this! And if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, please give these people a call.

6. "All I Wanna Do is Brand Love to You," Heart

Honestly, Eye could sing a list of the near popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and information technology would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, night stranger at the finish of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always exist listening to it. If yous're non listening to it now, smack yourself in the face up and Google it. It's merely that important.

I am singing the phone book. Y'all are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo past FatCat125/Wikimedia Eatables.

So much passion. So much pain. Then much pilus.

Here'southward why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking up an unnervingly attractive man for ane dark of mind-blowing sex so releasing him back into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing past the road, no umbrella, no glaze

So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a grin so we drove for a while

I don't have to go on because you know what happens next, and it's awesome.

"I just sit in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here's why this vocal is not romantic at all:

The human relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems besides good to exist true. And it is. Because it's not an equally loving ,or even every bit lusty, pairing at all.

It'due south a...

It'southward a...

Well. You know what it is:

Skillful at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photograph by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along just fine, like whatever wholesome, illicit, bearding affair should:

I didn't enquire him his proper name, this lonely boy in the pelting

Fate, tell me it'south right, is this love at first sight?

Sure, many of usa might hesitate to selection up a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the route for a no-strings-fastened screw, but our narrator just has a feeling well-nigh this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I can respect that.

We made magic that dark

He did everything right

Great! Seems like it was a skilful determination. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

But then, without warning, the vocal starts to sound less like an all-fourth dimension great romance and more similar a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the bloom, you are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't endeavor to find me, please don't y'all dare

Only live in my retentivity, you'll ever exist there"

I'1000 not a poet. Symbolic linguistic communication often eludes me. Only unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early on-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

HELLO! Photo past Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. Y'all might be tempted to think, "Maybe Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

And then information technology happened one mean solar day

We came circular the same manner

You tin can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

There are ii possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the vocal is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from nine years agone:

Photograph by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally bamboozled a dude into whipping upwardly a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, delight empathize

Ah, certain. Yes. No worries.

I'm in love with another man

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked not one but two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the ane fiddling thing that you can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS Not INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best you can say about that is that it'south not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket homo probably should take been responsible for his own birth control. Or, at the very least, asked more than questions .

Merely ... it's non beautiful. Information technology'southward not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves concur).

And at the finish of the solar day, the shadiest graphic symbol in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which... is maxim something.

But in that location is a honey song that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A vocal that can double as a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.

And that song is...

"Candy Store," by l Cent, featuring Olivia

Hither'south why you might be — OK, virtually definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy every bit "Candy Shop" is, as fun it is to dance to, and equally cathartic equally information technology can be to scream in the heart of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.g., there's no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:

I'll take you lot to the candy shop

I'll allow you lick the lollipop

I'll post that over again, in case you lot missed some of the dash:

I'll have you to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

Mode to take 1 for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!

At beginning glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody's idea of a classic love vocal.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The beat out is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When information technology does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

Information technology'southward non a vocal you'd put on a mixtape for your beat. It's not a song y'all'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and yous've got ix hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. Information technology's certainly not a song you'd include on the video photograph montage you made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.

It's but not.

Merely it should be.

Then hither information technology is. Here's why "Processed Shop" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

You wanna back that thing up or should I push upwardly on it? Photograph by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The vocalist starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It's only been twenty seconds, and you're already getting ready to hang it upwardly with "Candy Shop."

But so ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female person voice joining the runway, cutting through the din similar a clarion phone call.

She sings:

I'll have y'all to the processed store (yeah)

Boy, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have yous spendin' all you lot got (come on)

Keep going 'til you hitting the spot, whoa

It'southward common! Information technology'due south common! They're performing oral sex on each other!

Band the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, become! Photo by liz west/Flickr.

fifty Cent himself may not be the world's greatest partner — for example, co-ordinate to one of his exes, he'southward washed some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Processed Shop"? He gets it:

You could take information technology your way, how do you want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he'due south with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'1000 going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat y'all like a chest full of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Practice is Brand Love to You," ("I'one thousand going to play tricks you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Shop" guy really asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the earth of popular music, is good for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to exercise it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It's whatsoever you're into

'Crusade consent is sexy!

I ain't finished teaching you 'tour how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Store" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.

But hither's the key thing: the lady on the receiving cease of those desires? She's clearly into it. And we know this because she says so.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are vivid cerise, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo past Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what nosotros do ...

And where nosotros do ...

The things nosotros do ...

Are just between me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, it will exist intimate. It volition be private. In that location volition be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll exist a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the instance of "Processed Shop") minutes long.

She may take a loftier sex drive, but dude is graciously offer to accommodate her. What a admirer! These crazy kids just might go the distance afterward all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship but two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thank you, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's similar it'southward a race who could get undressed quicker

Once more, everybody is having a keen time. And, critically, an equally swell time.

I touch on the correct spot at the right time

Of course, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random humbug, but if we're to take him at his give-and-take, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as good at "doing everything correct" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Beloved to You" — except without all the creepy surprise infant nonsense.

The "Candy Store" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering beloved god. He's a good partner.

"Candy Shop" is raunchy. It's dirty. Information technology'south not your grandmother's love vocal.

But when yous strip away the swagger, the back shell, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the end of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn't that what a healthy human relationship is all almost?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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